Hello.
This makes a change from my usual bookish posts, but here goes…
Full disclosure: I’ve ended one long-term relationship and have had a few mutual, almost breakups with a few almost relationships too. Make of that what you will. I'm not an expert. I don't have a name badge or a fancy office. I've just always turned to books and articles for guidance, so I thought I’d write something I think I would find helpful.
I am in no way qualified to give professional relationship advice and will do some very unprofessional swearing to prove this point. But I hope you find this somewhat therapeutic, as it has been for me writing it.
I wish I could have a quiz here. You know the sort, where you follow the path, choosing yes or no until I give you the definitive answer or tell you which hairstyle best suits your star sign. But frankly, I’m still getting to grips with Photoshop, and I’m far too lazy to be that creative right now. Also, only you can make this decision. It sucks, I know. Sorry.
Always best to start with some facts. Just so we’re on the same page here. You are in a relationship that has a) gone sour b) stopped making you happy or c) is just missing something you can’t quite put your finger on. If all three apply to you, I feel your pain. Now let’s do something about it.
Side note: go you for being a proper grown up and trying to improve the way things are. It takes real courage to admit when something doesn’t feel right. And a hurting heart is genuinely one of the most annoying things to fix. You are an absolute trooper for getting started.
If you knew there were no consequences to leaving your partner (no bad blood, no grudges with their family etc), would you do it?
If you’re nodding then let’s be honest, you’re where you are now out of fear. We've all obsessed over worst-case scenarios until they feel inevitable. But they aren't. We can prepare for the worst with a breakup, sure. But we can't predict exactly how others will react, or what the future holds. We can't even predict how we will react.
The only thing that is guaranteed is that if you stay where you are now, you will carry on feeling this way. Nothing changes if we don't, and all that jazz.
It’s normal to want to protect everyone in a happy, oblivious bubble. But it’s exactly this which makes us suffocate. It’s an impossible feat. You can have every good intention and still hurt someone. You’ve got to prioritise your number one. That’s you.
I need you to know that I wish I could have done things differently in the past. But 'differently' wouldn’t necessarily have led me to where I am now. So we crack on. Things end how they end, and we heal.
'What if ____ ? What if ____ ? What if ____ ?'
Choosing to be alone is tough, especially if you’ve referred to yourself as a duo for a long period of time. But once you’ve had the initial 'what if?' thought, it’s difficult to backtrack. To talk yourself out of it. Gut instinct is a clever, smug bastard. But you’ve got to give it credit. If you actually listen, it has a lot to teach you. I call mine Julian.
~
There’s a book I read when my ex-partner and I were on one of our many delightful breaks. Breaks are a whole other beast to deal with. We’ll come to them another time. Anyway, the book is called:
It’s called a breakup because it’s broken.
It’s written by Amiira Ruotola and Greg Behrendt. I can’t actually remember if it’s any good. Sorry. But the title has stayed with me for years. Because it’s broken. It’s so simple. I know a lot of people (myself included) feel guilt around relationships ‘failing’ and them not being able to ‘fix’ them. But the length of a relationship in no way determines how capable or fantastic you are. It’s just a reflection of how long you had an experience for. That’s all.
Alan De Botton had some fascinating things to say on the topic of emotional resilience and breakups on a recent episode of the How to Fail with Elizabeth Day podcast. It’s definitely worth having a listen, but I’ll share some of the points I found most interesting:
The start of something new doesn't make the previous time wasted
1) Children outgrow their parents. This is seen as normal. When a child grows and moves out and enters a new stage of life, no one turns to the parents and says, ‘But all that time they spent living with you! All the energy you spent raising them! How could they just leave?’
With children, this is an anticipated departure, with plenty of time to come to terms with the change. (That's not to say the transition is any less painful, but it's not a surprise.) Perhaps if we expect our romantic relationships to have a similar journey, we would approach things a little differently.
2) The best holidays don’t last forever. We enjoy our time, then move on. We look at paintings, admire them, and then head to the gift shop, or the exit. It’s not a shock that we don’t stay forever. Dragging these things on for longer than necessary can actually spoil the whole experience.
3) We are possessive. We want to own the things. To prove that we have interacted with them the most, and have had incomparable experiences with them. In reality, it’s actually quite liberating for our time with someone to be finite. We get the opportunity to learn from them. To be loved by them. And this is, without a doubt, a miraculous thing.
Sustaining doesn't equal success.
4) Shorter relationships and flings are just as valuable as ten-year marriages. Yup. Truth. Let's respect both. It’s enough to say, 'Well that was a fun experience, and we’ve made some great memories. What’s next?' Quality versus quantity, BABY.
It’s called a breakup because it’s broken. But that doesn’t mean you are, too.
~
A few questions to consider:
-Are there things your partner does or says, ways they behave, or provoke you to behave which you feel you should (or do) hide from a friend or loved one?
-Are they manipulative, toxic, reliable or cruel? Consistently letting you down?
-Does the lifestyle you want to lead include them? Does it include this style of relationship? Newsflash: You're allowed to want what you want.
-Do you find yourself becoming someone you don’t like when you are in their company?
~
There are so many red flags. Each with their own embroidered slogan like: 'Don’t Do It' or, 'Not Worth The Grief' or, 'Will 100% Ghost You'. These can be waved right in front of our heart-eyed faces and we still won’t spot the small print. Ah, our naïve, optimistic, wonderfully hopeful selves. Ask the questions. Read the flags. That’s your only homework.
Maybe it just feels wrong. The wrong person, the wrong time, the wrong situation for you to be in. Forgive yourself for changing your mind. Or forgive them for doing the same. We all punish each other enough as it is.
I know that some of you might be 100% committed to the concept of The One and are convinced that you are destined to live eternally with this one person. If this is the case, then what’s the risk in leaving for a while?
BUT – and this is a big BUT (hehe) - this doesn’t mean you should stay in touch with the person. You still need to go through the breakup process, meaning having separate lives. You need time without their presence to determine if the relationship is one you are both prepared to return to, and give your best shot.
I know that a lot of empowering influencers seem to encourage impulsively ending relationships at the first sign of struggle. And although I agree we shouldn’t suffer unnecessarily, I understand that you don’t want to sacrifice something you cherish without thinking of alternative options first. That being said, though, if you’re the only one doing all of the 'work', they don’t deserve the reward.
Let’s be honest, if it feels forced, it’s probably not The Right Thing. There’s a big difference between equal effort and strategy, versus unproductive, romantic rage. Consult a couple you admire for advice. If you can afford it, check out local therapists. Or find a friendly grandma. They always have words of wisdom. Even the not-so-friendly ones.
Staying or leaving are big decisions. Brave ones. Both are perfectly worthy. You don’t fail for making the wrong choice. But you’ll know when it’s right.
Give yourself permission to seek happiness, peace and joy elsewhere.
~
Right, aaand relax. That was heavy.
I wanted to touch on post breakup advice here, before I let you get back to your lives/work/binge-watching The Politician on Netflix (SO GOOD).
You’ve got to rip the plaster. Air the wound. If you keep talking to them, in the hopes of being totally fine and still friends and did I mention everything is FINE it’s like nothing even happened, sh*t is going to hit the fan. Yes, past me, I’m looking at you. Make the decision.
Then, get some sunlight on the hurt.
Feel it. Get to know it.
It will disappear eventually.
You will blink and years will have passed,
and you will be on the other side,
looking back proudly, before you know it.
You can’t comfort them, or be comforted by them. No matter how much you might want to. It’s like leaning on a banana skin for a crutch. That is one tempting fruit, but a slippery, silly one. Don’t do it to yourself. There are a bunch of people (no pun intended) who will happily hear you sob down the phone, or who will be patient with you when you drunkenly go back to who hurt you, again. These are good apples. Fill your fruit bowl wisely. I’ll stop with the fruit metaphors if and when you stop launching yourself at bad bananas. OK?
Take yourself on dates. Take your friends, your mum, your neighbour's gardener - whoever. It's your call. Send the energy you once put into that relationship out in every direction. Especially towards yourself.
It will hurt. Maybe not immediately, as was the case for me. But delayed pain is a BIG THING. And it f*cking sucks. People might cock their heads at you as you thrive a week after the breakup when they expected you to be a mess (ignorance really is bliss). They might also cock their heads at you six months later, when you’re crying on the Northern Line, equally baffled at where this wave of (neglected) emotion has come from. It’s all fun and games, this being human malarkey, isn’t it?
Essentially, I’d tried to rush the recovery, and was suddenly overwhelmed with unanticipated loss. For the person I’d grown up with, and the space that they left in my life. But, more than that, it wasn’t all personal. I missed the idea of them. I missed the feeling of being loved. The feeling which has since been semi-dealt with, thanks to amazing friendships, family, and many, many Tinder dates. As well as healthy solitude.
'You cannot selectively numb emotion. When we numb (hard feelings), we numb joy, we numb gratitude, we numb happiness.' - Bréne Brown
I thought I could stuff all my feelings into a bin bag and fling them out of the front door without doing some Marie-Kondo-esque sorting and folding. Just like with my ex's clothes and belongings... If you’re reading this, I could’ve at least used a bag for life, or something prettier. I'm genuinely sorry for the lack of bag-glamour I gave our goodbye.
There are so many brilliant aspects to being single, and to finding a spark with someone new, but I truly believe that you can only properly access these benefits when you’ve closed that door properly. Put the past where it belongs. Thank it. Give it a bear hug. Send it on its way.
Closure is bullsh*t.
No-one is going to close anything for you.
Tough love, kiddo.
Slam it. Kick it. Just get it shut.
~
Now then, I’m off to have a banana and a cup of tea.
What? I’m allowed. I rarely take my own advice, anyway...
P.S. I want to point out here that this is aimed at those who - if they did choose to break up with their partner - would be going through a fairly straight-forward split. If you have children to consider or are in a situation that involves or impacts other people, do seek more help elsewhere. There is always a way.
For domestic abuse helplines, or organisations who can support you: CLICK HERE.
You’ve got this.
Much much much love.
