Change & Fear

Marisa Bates' recent article on The Pool has resonated so strongly with me that I've managed to escape this 3 month blog break!

Illustration: Eleanor Shakespeare

The article is about fear, and how different our lives could be if we weren't so afraid (Read it here: https://www.the-pool.com/life/life-honestly/2018/27/Marisa-Bate-on-fear-and-a-list-of-things-to-do).

'If I weren't afraid, then the rush of doing something terrifying would never be so exhilarating, so wild, so life-affirming. There's nothing wrong with fear - as long as it doesn't stop you' - M.B.

It seems quite fitting to make this an update post of sorts, for your unlikely curiosity, and my own sanity - I miss blogging more than I thought I would. I've been living back in London for nine weeks now, and aside from the professional side of things (where I feel like I'm learning a lot), I hadn't stopped to consider what else I'd accomplished in this time.

The biggest change, aside from leaving university, was adjusting to single life. I had previously been in a relationship for nearly six years, so being solo brought with it a sudden loss I hadn't anticipated. And yet, it was also exhilarating. Who was I, outside of this duo? It became the perfect time to re-evaluate what I wanted at this stage in life, and work on myself.

Marisa's article explained how she wrote down what she would do if she was less afraid - of pain, failure, being told no, and hurting others. From getting her nose pierced, to confronting a friend who made her feel neglected sometimes, I found myself nodding and realising that the fear of judgement has been stopping me, too. She then realises that what she'd unintentionally done was write a to-do list. Now that's not to say that I'm planning on getting a tattoo anytime soon, or moving across the country (again!), but it's definitely had me thinking - if I've overcome anxieties previously, and have felt all the better for it -what's next?

Being daring doesn't always mean leaving comfort zones, there's definitely bravery in finding our boundaries, and putting our foot down to protect ourselves. I realised things were out of balance when I noticed I hadn't cooked a meal for myself in over a week. If you know me, you'll know that I find cooking relaxing, and it's a big part of my life. Slowing down and reintroducing things like that - one banana bread at a time - has helped my mental health massively.

If I weren't afraid of being 'caught out' for not doing something others would see as productive, I'd read more often, and indulge in days off, guilt-free. So many of us panic that we are 'wasting' days, or not updating our social platforms with 'proof' of our exciting lives. And I'm so over it. 

If I weren't afraid, I'd stick to my gut instinct, rather than forcing something which isn't suitable for me - be it a career change, relationship, or general lifestyle choice.

If I weren't afraid, I'd save up enough money to move abroad for a while, probably to work as a nanny, or try freelancing. Embracing the unknown and all that jazz. 

If I weren't afraid of being seen as demanding or entitled, I'd speak up, ask for help more, and discuss working from home on bad-brain-days. 

If I weren't afraid, I'd wear a bikini in front of people without flinching. (I've started outdoor swimming with friends, and I can confirm this gets easier every time. It's SO nice focusing on what feels fun and challenging, rather than 'I wonder if everyone is staring at my tummy'!) 

This list goes on and on. I imagine yours does too? Just writing it down helps more than you might imagine - so I'd recommend you do! 

Finding Your Voice

"You've got a heart as loud as lions, so why let your voice be tamed?" - Emeli Sande

I'm really enjoying writing about writing right now, so here's another spout of rambling for your eyeballs. I remember hearing the phrase "be original" and "find your voice" being drilled into our heads during the first few weeks of University, and instantly feeling unsettled. The whole point, surely, of dedicating three years to experimenting with writing styles was to form this voice organically, in an unforced way?

I found myself thinking - and still sometimes find myself wondering - why would anything I make be different? Or worth reading? Even when writing this blog, I had close friends and family questioning whether I would contribute anything individual to the ever growing community of bloggers.

This had me stopping myself from reviewing restaurants, and writing articles - convincing myself that someone 'better' would already have done so, or would do so in the future, only in a more concise way than I could ever achieve.

So this is a reminder, to myself, and to you. Put your thoughts out there, or at least write them down and keep them private until they grow into something clearer. Your 'voice' will change and evolve, along with your behaviour and desires. Some days you'll want to write about race, politics, feminism, and other days the sheer joy of watching someone you love eat a mountain of pasta will be a topic which seems to hold vital importance worth documenting. That's OK.

You also don't need to define yourself as a poet, or a journalist, or any specific label, unless you want to. Sure, it might make your CV easier to understand, but mine's a messy showcase of my indecisive self, and I'm embracing that...

I find myself wondering if writing about skincare is too trivial to be worth publishing, that no-one would care or take me seriously. But it's one of many things which interests me - and surely that's something? I'm trying to remind myself that my opinions are valid, despite any privilege I have, or how little I know about a situation, or how unimportant the things I'm drawn to might seem.

Write first, then worry - it's somewhat inevitable. Edit, scrap, salvage, forgive, release. It's so easy to allow fear and stress to consume us and stop us from even acting on impulse and starting in the first place. But maybe we can actively change this mindset, these perceptions which destroy not only our dreams and goals but result in us wasting so much potential and interesting ideas. It's a difficult spiral to escape, and one I confront each time I sit and try to untangle a mess of thoughts at a keyboard or notebook. But it's a shared struggle, that much I know.

One voice holds incredible power, if only we are brave enough to start using it, rather than worrying about what it looks (sounds?) like.

We'll speak again soon,

Mia